Ambivalence

Ambivalence: the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone. I find that this song puts ambivalence into music. It is one of my favorite songs. And I listened to it on repeat 17 times while writing this post. I find it beautiful, mysterious, tragic, full of pain, wistful, mournful, full of promises, and containing the sound of a journey.  Yes, all that in7 minutes and 4 seconds.

 

These past month has been a blur and full of ambivalence. Whoever told me that my senior year in high school would be my easiest was misinforming me. The 18th, we had our Spring Concert/Senior Night. After singing on that stage for 6 years, it was an emotional night for me knowing that after I sang my senior solo, I would never preform on that stage again. I started crying as one of  my very best friends sang Regina Spektor’s lyrics:

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are as you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You’ll come back
When it’s over
No need to say goodbye.

Knowing I would cry, I picked a non-crying song: Put Your Records On by Corrine Bailey Rae.

In someways, these were weeks of lasts and firsts. I sang my first senior solo as I preformed for the last time on the Fairfield High School stage. I had my first art booth as I exhibited my work for the last time at our art fair. I received my first bad grade on a final exam and my first good grade on my last english paper in my ACP English course. Inasmuch as this month has been full of firsts and lasts, it has also come with many hellos and goodbyes.

Graduation took place on May 26th. As I walked into the gymnasium and saw the bleachers and seats on the floor filled with all eyes on the students who filed in, it began to sink in that I was really saying goodbye to high school. I knew that slowly, my classmates and I would begin to drift our own ways and that I may never see some of them again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These two photos are of my 6 best friends, the way that each of us is either doing a different pose, or looking at a different camera hits home the fact that we are all headed somewhere else in this world. First, we’ll head off to colleges: Anderson, Ball State, IPFW, University of Indianapolis, Trine, USI. Then, we’ll head off to the world. This past Tuesday, we said goodbye to a friend who wasn’t in these photos. We hit up the local coffee shop until it closed and then ended the night at a new frozen yogurt place.

As we parted ways that night, it rang home that in approximately 2 and a half months, we’d all be saying goodbye… and it wasn’t going to be fun. Today/Tomorrow (it was Thursday when I started writing this article) another friend of mine, the exchange student leaves.

Tonight I suddenly realized I never got the chance to say goodbye in person. He had a going away party, but I didn’t know… We ate lunch together almost everyday and I’m trying to decide if this separated goodbye is a good thing or a bad thing…

Graduation, is such a strange thing. I am so happy to be finished with high school and I look forward and say hello to the future but I know that these changes coming are going to be big and they are going to be scary. Not only am I saying goodbye to friends and classmates but to the teachers as well. In my six years at Fairfield, I have seen 4 teachers retire and the passing of another. And now, I must say goodbye to all those who remain as well as the 2 that are leaving Fairfield with us. I am thankful for my classmates and the trials we have faced together and for the teachers as they helped us along teaching us a lot and hoping most of it stuck 😉

Change is a part of life, but why does it seem so frightening? The time to say goodbye always comes, but why is it so hard to say?

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